Confessions #6: What Now?

Written January 17, 2011.

Another puzzle of my own making has crashed and burned. Again all of my plans have been torn from my hands, and I’m looking around in bewilderment asking, “Where do I go? God, where did you go?” I thought I was on the right path, but somewhere along the way it curved into a gray area of uncertainty. So now I’m retracing my steps and trying to figure out what happened. I can’t pinpoint any one moment, decision, or action; as Casting Crowns put it, “It’s a slow fade.” Here’s my best guess: I began with good intentions. But, assuming I knew God’s will, I took it and ran with it. God gave me a puzzle piece, but instead of fitting it into the puzzle of my relationship with Him, I got ahead of myself and began to build another whole sidetracked puzzle around that one piece.

It’s a nice analogy. But looking at it from a realistic viewpoint, just where did things begin to change? Exactly what should I have done differently? And how do I prevent the same thing from happening again? Here’s the confession: I haven’t a clue, so it will probably continue to happen. I hate admitting it, but I honestly don’t know. All I can think to ask at the moment is “What now?” And I have no response for myself.

It’s easy to trust God when you have carefully laid-out plans and you think you know where your life is headed. It’s a lot harder when you’re staring down the road asking that empty and hopeless question, “What now?” Yet that brings up another interesting question: who do I really trust, God or myself? It’s a thought that makes me painfully and honestly examine my heart for the answer. I put so much stock in my precious roadmaps and blueprints that I feel panicky when I have no sense of direction and no answer appears emblazoned across the sky.

Yet haven’t I been the one who has told people, “That’s when you can serve God best, when you’re just open and available for Him to use”? Why then is it so hard to implement that logic in my own life? Do I, or don’t I, believe that He can make something out of my confusion? Even being an MBTI “P” (google it), I sure seem to find security in closure.

Yet I have none, and I feel painfully at the mercy of the world. So where is all my faith now?

Published in: on April 9, 2011 at 2:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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