Confessions of a Creature of Habit

Written November 17, 2010.

The Christian life is a journey into the unknown, a glorious exploration of uncharted territory. It breaks my heart to see people stop and settle where they are, content with the scenery and wanting to be safe in their plateau. Unless you struggle up the next steep hill, you’ll never reach the mountaintop; and while the plateau may be comfortable, the view from the mountaintop is breathtaking. It’s amazing. It’s an experience only God could have designed.

But if truth be told, I’m one of those people that breaks my heart. As much as I want to keep moving, sometimes I just get dragged down by life and can’t seem to find the energy to push forward. But when people look at me, I want them to see a heart totally sold out to Jesus, not just another person who settles for mediocrity.

When I can pause amid the chaos to reset my focus, I can visualize what I want to be and what I want my life to look like. I can picture the quiet strength and set-apart calmness that I desperately need in order to be the difference, but when the rubber meets the road, it is so difficult to bring that vision to life. Instead, I find myself falling into the rut of my old habits and letting my Self take over again. The fire dwindles to apathy. My actions, once so in tune with God’s will, become pointless. My words, once spoken as though through His Spirit, become meaningless. Everything I do and say becomes grossly secularized, utterly lame and useless. I disgust myself. I feel it happening and I hate it, but I can’t seem to stop it from snowballing. I know where I need to be, but how do I get there? (It’s like a geometric proof, and I was always terrible at those.)

I want a sincere and transparent heart, selfless motives, and words that will make a difference. I can only pray for God to crush my spirit so His can shine through; He is “the only thing that’s beautiful in me”, and that is what I want the world to see.

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Published in: on April 9, 2011 at 1:26 pm  Leave a Comment  
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