Praying to Change

Written February 6, 2011.

Most of the time, I am afraid to ask God to change me, because I’m not sure if I want to deal with all the ramifications of that. As Mr. Limpet says, “Be careful what you wish for, for wishes can come true.” There are some days, however, when I’m so fed up with the person I’ve become that I really just don’t care. Those are the days that I can legitimately pray, “God, I don’t care what it takes, just do what you need to do to change my heart!”

Unfortunately, as long as I clutch my selfish heart and refuse to let it be molded into the shape of Christ, that prayer is cancelled out by my actions. I struggle between the desires of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; part of me so desperately wants to get rid of everything that stands in the way of knowing Christ, but part of me just doesn’t really care all that much. When I say the words, “Lord, change me,” sometimes I’m not entirely sure if I mean it.

Yet at the same time, I hope that God will take my words at face value without considering if I’m ready to face the consequences of my prayer. If He would just take it all out of my hands so that there was no turning back, I know the result would be exactly what I want. Did anybody ever push you off a diving board when you were a kid? It happened to me once. I was terrified to jump and stood there debating forever. After multiple times of my friend yelling “1, 2, 3, go!” and nothing happening, she decided to help me out with a little shove. I was scared to death, but when I hit the water I realized, “Oh, that wasn’t too bad.” And then I climbed back up on the diving board and jumped again by myself.

I wonder if enough prayers would force me out of my comfort zone whether I feel ready or not. I’m tired of a mediocre life, so I’m asking all of my Christian friends to pray that God will give me a push. And you may have to be there to help me through the consequences — but I’m ready.

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Published in: on April 9, 2011 at 3:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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