Closer

This morning was just one of those times in my life when I couldn’t feel the presence of God. I wanted to, but I seemed stuck in my own little world, numb and alone and disappointed. And in those moments when I feel far from God, I try to pray for direction and guidance, but it feels awkwardly fake, even to me. The words sound hollow to my apathetic mind. So if prayer changes nothing, what remains to be done but sit there and feel awful while everyone around you in church is worshiping wholeheartedly?

But God used my confused state of mind this morning to show me a new aspect of my relationship with Him. Even if it feels like prayer changes nothing, it’s at work behind the scenes.

Every day, regardless of how close I may feel to God or what is going on in my life to distract me, our relationship deepens as He reveals more of Himself to me. It’s an ongoing journey, and there is no turning back; no, every event and every moment in my life is carefully calculated to draw me closer to Him. Even on those days that I am questioning and being complicated, my vulnerability only opens me up to Him and draws me closer.

Relationships are made strong through honesty and struggles and learning to understand each other. So even in my weakness, when I don’t know what to say or do, God is merely holding me and understanding me. Sometimes I wish I weren’t so emotionally complex… but if I weren’t, I wouldn’t be uniquely loved.

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Published in: on August 21, 2011 at 6:03 pm  Comments (1)  
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  1. while everyone around you in church is worshiping wholeheartedly

    this is a difficulty I have with enthusiasm as a measure of devotion. we don’t know what is in the heart of others. maybe they are better at faking it than you are. people drop away when they feel they are not as enthusiastic as others. sometimes we need quiet meditation, reflection. sometimes we need to sit still and be. sometimes “worship” is a distraction. we need to go into the desert. we may be in the desert a very long time.


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