On Sex and Emotional Consequences

“He was the only guy I’ve ever really loved,” she told me, tears sparkling in her eyes. “He cared about me more than anyone else ever has.”

“No, he didn’t,” I answered. “He treated you like crap, and you know it. Why in the world would you go back to him?”

“Because…there’s not anyone else for me. He’s the One. It’s like we’re meant to be.”

I sighed. “Did you have sex with him?”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

“She” represents far more than just one girl; I’ve had this conversation more times than I would like to.  I can always tell when a girl has slept with a guy because it shows in the aftermath of the breakup when her heart is shattered and she’s desperately holding onto the past.

Girls, listen to me, and listen close.  Sex is not something to play with.  It has serious emotional consequences because it was designed to bind you to one person, for life.  And even though it’s abused and mistreated and taken lightly, it still serves its purpose.  Even when a relationship is broken off, that ghost of an emotional bond will always be there to haunt you.  The hurt runs deep, because you will never really forget your “first love.” Even if you convince yourself it wasn’t a big deal…it’s still a big deal.  Even if you’ve numbed yourself to the pain of loss, it’s still there.

Vulnerability creates strong emotional ties to people.  When we share with others our deepest hopes and dreams, fears and failures, we share something unique with them because they’ve seen a part of us that very few others have seen.  Why else did we love to play Truth or Dare with friends late at night when we were in middle school…especially in mixed company?  Because somehow, it changed the dynamic of relationships.  When you share intensely personal things, you come away thinking, “Oh my gosh, we’re like best friends now,” when really, you still hardly know each other.  You’re not just playing a game with your friends; you’re playing a game with your feelings by sharing too much.  Our innermost thoughts and feelings, the things that are closest to our hearts, should be shared with someone we trust; they shouldn’t be shared to create a shallow sense of trust.  Be careful when you share pieces of your heart, because you may not get them back.

Sex makes us more vulnerable than any Truth or Dare game, especially if it’s the first time.  As women, we struggle a lot with body image, so when we expose ourselves physically, we’re also exposing ourselves emotionally big time.  You’re revealing everything you are, and giving them everything you are.  And when a guy accepts us, with our insecurities and imperfections, it makes us feel valued and validated.  But you have to realize that any guy who tries to pressure you is not out to make you feel valued. When you ignore that fact, there’s an emotional disconnect where you think he cares about you far more than he actually does.  And he can lie to you, cheat on you, treat you like crap and make you feel worthless, and you still can’t get over him, because in your mind there was a “connection.”

Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t.  It’s not worth the emotional heartache, the long lonely nights of regret and “what if” and waiting for him to come back around when there was never anything real to hold the relationship together.  It’s not worth crying yourself to sleep asking what went wrong, when maybe you were never right for each other in the first place.

If that’s a mistake you’ve already made, know that it’s time to move on.  Yes, even from him — the very guy you’re thinking about.  You’ll never find healing by holding onto the past; it’s not coming back.  Stop waiting and start living; give Christ the pieces of your broken heart and let Him make something truly beautiful out of it.


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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Guys, read this one. Her use of pronouns indicates that this is meant mostly for the ladies, but we can learn from it too. I won’t get into the topic of a guys emotions in relationship to this. It’s gets messy and starts argument. However, we do have an obligation not to hurt those around us. Knowing what Laurengracie has shown us, how can we consider ourselves men and continue to treat girls this way? Don’t toy with a girls heart. It’s the most valuable thing you could ever have in your possession, and breaking it like this shows you care more about your own personal gratification than another human being. That’s a sick way to live.

    • Amen.

  2. I came to your blog because a friend posted it on Facebook. I was a youth pastor for nearly 15 years. In that time I had this conversation over and over again. You’ve nailed it eloquently. Thanks!

    • Marc, I’m honored that an experienced youth pastor such as yourself took the time to read this. Thanks so much for your encouragement!

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