Love as Defined by Culture…Love as Defined by Christ

A few days ago I was chatting with a friend about love.  Being college girls in our early twenties, just a year away from graduation and still without prospects like we were promised at freshman orientation, we spend a lot of our time discussing it.  Probably too much.  This particular time, we were discussing the difficulty of seeing a long-ago friend-zoned guy in a romantic way.  And then I said, “One day, we’re probably going to figure out that this whole marriage thing is really more about being with a steady, supportive companion anyway.”  And I think what I said was right, but why can my words not connect to my heart?

In other blog posts, I’ve ranted on and on about how desensitized we are to our culture and how, even though we think we follow Christ, we often follow culture instead because it’s all we know.  I’ve been so convicted about taking off the blinders and seeing the narrow road for what it is.  And tonight God showed me a new aspect of that: we have warped, twisted, and disfigured His idea of love into some wishful, lustful, fantasized romance.

Love is unconditional – yep, we got that.  But we’re only going to unconditionally love the people we choose, and we choose the ones who are good enough for us, which really erases the need for the whole unconditional part.1-corinthians-rings

I’m not saying that we need to return to a system of arranged marriages, but think about it for just a second.  It’s hard to comprehend, because we’ve never known such a thing.  The thought horrifies us.  Learning to love someone after marriage?  Learning to love someone simply because you have to, because you’re stuck with them in spite of hardships and grievances and petty annoyances?

Hmmm. Sounds uncomfortably like the love of Christ.

In the movie The Wedding Planner, Mary’s father tells her how he fell in love with her mother:

“Your mother and I had an arranged marriage.  We met on the day of our wedding.  We wouldn’t even look at each other.  I was in love with another girl, and your mother wanted nothing to do with me.  She said I had big eyebrows and a low IQ.  Anyway, one day I got very sick with scarlet fever, and she stayed by my side.  She took good care of me.  For the first time, I appreciated her.  Then appreciation grew to respect.  Respect grew to like.  And like grew to love…a deeper love than I could ever hope for.”

We’re conditioned to flinch at the thought of being with someone we don’t “love,” but what do we really mean by that?  Someone we’re not attracted to?  Someone who doesn’t meet our every need?  It’s not about being with who you love, but loving who you’re with.

A while back, I was journaling my thoughts and prayers and asked God to bring me a man of spiritual maturity and depth who would be more in love with God than he would ever be with me, who would be a good father and who would care about me and support my call to ministry.  I’m ashamed to admit this, but then I panicked a bit, realizing that this type of person might also be a sensitive man who cries, or a romantic who’s a little more into PDA than I.  So a part of me wanted to add, “And who never embarrasses me in public, please God, amen.”

Yes. I can be that shallow.

But the words never passed my lips, because as soon as they entered my brain I realized their utter ridiculousness.  Instead, God brought me to my knees in humility as He convicted me of my cultural short-sightedness and began to show me a glimpse of real love.

You see, our society has taught us to believe that we’re defined by who we love.  If we love somebody bold and important and exciting, that elevates our social status.  Conversely, if we love someone who’s not cool, that must mean we’re not cool.  If they do something awkward, we feel embarrassed because we consider it a reflection on ourselves and our taste in men/women.  But we’re not defined at all by who we love; we’re defined by how we love.  Jesus said that all men will know we are His disciples if we love one another (John 13:35) — regardless of how easy to love the “one anothers” are.

No marriage will be without its frustrations or irritations.  The vows of “sickness and health, richer or poorer” are not just nice fluffy words.  There will be hardships and pain, and yes, times that you want to hide and pretend you don’t know your spouse.

But if God does bring me a man of integrity who loves Him above all else, whose only fault happens to be that he makes dumb jokes or embarrasses me with PDA, it won’t kill me to laugh and to hold his hand in public.

But even if it did, isn’t unconditional love something we’re supposed to die for?

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thanks for sharing this!

    I love what Dietrich Bonhoeffer told his niece before her marriage: “Now you must let your marriage keep your love alive.” We mistakenly reverse this advice and tell couples to let love keep their marriage alive. The truth is the sheer commitment to one’s vows are what makes love grow.

    Another observation: the problem we have with arranged marriages is the issue of mutual submission. We are American and we don’t like submitting to anyone! We want our own way. The idea we might submit our personal freedom and trust the judgement of someone else is so repulsive to us that we cannot imagine such a thing. (I won’t get into the subject of mutual submission but that is a topic that needs to be discussed–Ephesians 5:21).

    • Love, love, love your thoughts. Thanks so much for sharing! You’re so right about our culture balking at the idea of submission. I think it’s definitely a pride thing, and the entire way of life that Jesus modeled is characterized by humility. Perhaps we need to discard our cultural bias to truly be able to see the narrow path.

  2. Reblogged this on Postcards from Life and commented:
    this post struck me in such a bold, pure way. My thanks for allowing me to share your thoughts, Lauren.

  3. […] Love as Defined by Culture…Love as Defined by Christ […]


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